


pride takes time

by goorgoahead



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Catholic Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, all that good stuff, i know i mention catholic guilt in the summary but it’s actually not that big of a theme, pride month, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-19 21:43:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19364575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goorgoahead/pseuds/goorgoahead
Summary: lucas and eliott’s first pride.orcatholic guilt: always where you least expect it.





	pride takes time

**Author's Note:**

> @ shipper-of-love on tumbr asked for lucas and eliott celebrating their first pride month. this is probably more angst than you wanted and i’m sorry about that.
> 
> pride doesn’t always come easy to everyone. remember that everyone moves at their own pace.
> 
> my tumblr is ‘butforwardiscalling’.

lucas is nervous, to say the least. he sees people celebrating pride month and the pride parade every year, and he’s made himself scarce for mika’s pride parties in the past. but that doesn’t make him less worried. all his life, he’s been quiet about liking men, about being gay, and now he has eliott and he wants nothing more than to shout about how much he loves him from every rooftop in paris. but that still doesn’t mean he’s not nervous for pride. he’s never been this open about who he is before, and now that pride month is here, it feels as if he’s in a spotlight.

of course, that’s just ridiculous. but it’s how he feels. he feels like everyone is looking at him, expecting something from him. they aren’t really, of course. his friends and eliott just want him to be happy. he still feels out of depth. 

eliott has celebrated many pride months in the past. eliott has never had any problems being who he is. that has been abundantly clear since his “not necessarily a girl” comment, way back before they started dating. he’s never felt the need to hide, like lucas had, and sometimes still does. eliott was right to draw him as a hedgehog; when he’s afraid, he curls in on himself, spikes out.

of course, he doesn’t voice any of his worries. he knows he’s being silly, so he doesn’t say anything. he makes plans to watch the parade with eliott and mika and some of their friends, before retreating back to the coloc for mika’s annual pride party.

eliott is buzzing. he’s painting his face in lucas’ bedroom mirror while lucas watches from their bed. lucas is smiling fondly at eliott’s dopey grin, but it doesn’t stop his stomach turning over at the thought of the parade today. but, again, he says nothing and let’s eliott paint his face too. 

eliott and lucas hold hands on the walk to the parade route, surrounded by their friends. usually, lucas never has an issue with pda or being affectionate with eliott in public. in fact, he loves it. he loves to show eliott off, he loves the look on people’s faces when they see eliott, in all his ethereal beauty, wrap his arms around lucas. he does love it. but suddenly it feels like too much.

the parade is too loud and there are too many people, and of course none of them even spare lucas and eliott a glance, but lucas still feels exposed. he doesn’t know how to describe it. it’s like all of these weeks with eliott have been a free trail, and now he actually has to face what all of it means. it’s like suddenly he’s too aware of the fact that he’s in a relationship with a man, and that he’s been okay with it, that he is okay with it.

but being here, at the parade, holding eliott’s hand, holding his boyfriend’s hand, brings it all home. he’s not sure what it is. he’s having to face his reality, here at the parade, and all of the catholic guilt that he’s somehow managed to repress up until this point, comes flooding out of the darkest corners of his mind. 

he wrenches his hand from eliott’s grip, which may have been a little too obvious. poor eliott, poor loving, beautiful, sweet eliott looks so confused. under any other circumstances, eliott would assume that lucas didn’t want to hold his hand in a crowd for fear of threat or homophobia, and that wouldn’t bother him, but here, at the parade, eliott doesn’t know what to think.

“baby? are you alright?”

and that’s just not what lucas needed to hear right now.

“don’t call me that!”

eliott looks taken aback. he genuinely doesn’t seem to know what to make of this outburst. he’s clearly worried and lucas feels terrible. more terrible than before.

“lucas? i don’t- just tell me what’s wrong and we can fix it.”

lucas doesn’t answer, though. he turns on his heel and starts walking back the way they came. he doesn’t know where he’s going, but he can’t go back to his own apartment; a few of mika’s friends are there right now, setting up for the party later. he just keeps walking. dimly, he registers that eliott tells their friends to go ahead without them, and follows lucas.

he catches up to lucas when they’re far away from the parade and the street is essentially deserted.

“lucas, will you- jesus lucas stop walking!” eliott says, getting a hold of lucas’ arm. lucas doesn’t pull away this time.

“lucas, will you please tell me what the problem is! you were fine this morning!” he says, almost like a question.

lucas doesn’t know what it was that set him off, exactly. maybe it was the mention of this morning, when he was absolutely not fine but didn’t say anything. maybe it was the fact that eliott truly wants to help him. maybe it was the scared look in eliott’s eye, like he genuinely had no clue as to what was going on. whatever it was, lucas broke.

tears started to flow freely down his face and it felt as if he was a marionette who’s strings had been cut, as he, for all intents and purposes, collapsed into eliott’s arms. he sobbed onto eliott’s chest as eliott held him close, stroking his hair.

he’s vaguely aware of eliott steering him and walking him somewhere. when they arrive at eliott’s apartment, eliott deposits lucas on the couch and goes to make some tea. lucas takes the time to gather himself and his thoughts. he tries to think of how he will explain this all to eliott, but finds himself at a loss.

when eliott returns with the tea, he doesn’t say anything, just sets the tea on the table in front of the couch.

“eliott...” lucas starts but trails off. he doesn’t know what to say to make him understand.

“i get it.”

“you do?”

“well, not exactly,” eliott looks at him with soft eyes, “but i can understand how the pride parade might have been overwhelming. i mean, i didn’t have the upbringing you did but i can see how all of this might be too much for you to handle. at this point in your life, that is.”

lucas loves eliott so much. he doesn’t know how he even doubted him or worried that he wouldn’t get it. of course he gets it. he understands every single detail about lucas, he knows him by heart.

“thank you,” lucas says weakly, still feeling a bit shaky, “thank you for understanding.”

“of course. you’re young and you’re just out of the closest and you were raised catholic. of course it’s going to take you a while to be okay with all of this.”

lucas really doesn’t know what he did in a past life to deserve eliott. eliott pulls lucas into a warm hug, one that’s over much too soon.

“do you want to have a nap?” eliott asks, “i don’t know about you but the heat has really sapped all my energy.”

that sounds perfect to lucas. he’s exhausted from everything that’s happened today, and he wants nothing more than to crawl under the covers with eliott and not re-emerge for three to five business days, preferably.

they undress and slip under the covers, lucas resting his head on eliott’s chest. they lay there like that for a few minutes before lucas speaks again.

“eliott?”

“hm?” is all eliott says in response, sleep clearly near.

“i’m sorry,” lucas says in a quiet voice, “about today. for ruining the parade for you.”

eliott is quiet for a few seconds and lucas thinks that he might have fallen asleep when he feels eliott’s hand move up into lucas’ hair, running his fingers through it.

“that’s okay baby. we always have next year.”

and many more after that, lucas thinks.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! my tumblr is ‘butforwardiscalling’


End file.
